I'm going under
by Carebear90
Summary: Astrid gets the worst news. It rips her apart and makes her impulsive to end it swiftly. Will she be saved from her own destruction?


I'm writing this story because I wish there were more stories that depicted Astrid in a vulnerable way. I figured the best way to go about that is to create one

** I do not own anything that has to do with HTTYD unfortunately

(Astrid POV)

 _I, Astrid Hofferson, wish to be no longer…_

As I sit on my bed, I glance at myself in my bedroom's mirror. The tears that streaked down my face looked like perfect lines as I failed to see the need to wipe them away. My eyes, once sky blue, darkened to a dark blue that were devoid of all life. A cold breeze from the darkening sky broke through my shutters and whipped across my face, but I did not flinch as my body felt numb.

My eyes and feet traveled across my room to my dresser. Slowly, I opened the drawer and looked at a white dress my mother had made for me a long time. A dress that was meant for a wedding. My hands glided over the material; tracing over the details carefully sewn in.

"To think I would ever be able to marry..hmnph…laughable…", I said scornfully. Grabbing the dress and my trusty knife, I place them gently in my knapsack. Slowly I look around my room once more before grabbing the doorknob and leaving.

Looking up at the sky I notice the sun will be setting soon. ' _That will be nice to see one last time'_ , I think grimly.

As I make my way through town quietly, heading towards the woods, you must be wondering what brought me to this state.

(Flashback)

' _I can't wait to tell Hiccup about this new spot I found while riding Stormfly yesterday!'._ I'm so excited I almost feel like skipping…almost. I chuckle at this gaining a few stares from fellow villagers.

I see Ruffnut in the distance and speed up my pace to not lose sight of her during the busiest time of the morning in the village.

"RUFF!", I bellow which she jumps and nearly trips face first into the wall of the armory. She collects herself and sends me a withering glare.

"Astrid, it's too early to be yelled at," she half whines.

"My bad Ruff. I called you because I was wondering if you've seen Hiccup?"

"Ughh Astriddd, that's all you wanted to know?" I nod slightly. "He's in the woods training I think."

"Thanks Ruff! I owe you one" I say as I walk off. I can hear Ruff in the background muttering under her breath and I laugh a little. Ruff is not a morning person.

Walking a bit I hear the sound of an axe hitting a tree. I smile a little when I think of Hiccup training. At one point he could barely hold an axe properly but he has definitely changed. My face heats up when I think of how much he has matured, from a frail boy to a lithe warrior. I work my way closer to the sounds and see him drenched in sweat. His eyes had a dark intensity that surprised me. I move closer only to step on a twig.

 **Snap**! Hiccup whips around to face the noise. His eyes widen when he gazes upon my form as it steps out of the shadows. I smile but he still stares at me with a darkened gaze. My smile falters slightly.

I open my mouth to speak but he breaks the silence first, "What are you doing here?" I look at him and can't help but wonder why he is speaking so aggressive. My anger starts to stir.

"Excuse me?" I stare him down just as much as he is staring me down. "I came to see you. Is that an issue?"

He stares at me. Unblinkingly, with no emotion emits a simple one word response. "Yes".

Within five steps I am in front of him and within two seconds my hand meets his face. His head whips to the side before turning slowly to gaze down at me angrily.

"What the Hel is wrong with you Hiccup!? What did I do to deserve such animosity!" My anger still raging while sadness crept into my tone.

"It's over." He looks at me with dead eyes. Mine widen.

"Over?...Me and you?" Disbelief singes my words as I look for any signs that what he said was nothing but a stupid horrible joke.

"Yes, me and you. I'm… getting married."

His words hit me hard. _Getting married?!_ My mind shuts down as my heart that he once softened, rehardened to only shatter within seconds.

My bangs cover my face as I face the forest floor. "Do you love her?", my head still down as I am too afraid to see his face.

"I do Astrid. I'm sorry..I? I raise a hand to stop him from continuing. I've heard enough. I raise my head and look him dead in the eye. My eyes are blurry and for that I am grateful as seeing Hiccup for even another second would stop my heart completely.

"I wish you the best then. Goodbye Hiccup," I smile one last time at him before turning around and stepping back into the forest, engulfing me in a comforting, dark embrace.

Had I turned around I would've noticed Hiccup on his knees with tears streaming down his face. Had I turned around…

(End Flashback)

(Astrid)

My heart is pounding as I arrive at my destination. It was a view to behold. Leaving the forest, I stepped onto lush green grass. There in about fifty feet was the cliffs edge that had a sheer drop down into the frigid water below. The forest was alive with the sound of animals and the wind was howling slightly as my hair swayed in the breeze. I walked close to the edge and put my knapsack on a few boulders a few feet away. Opening it I took out my dress and gazed at its etherealness of it. The soft fabric warmed my heart just a little before the cold set back in because it was a wedding dress meant for a wedding that I'd never have. I slip out of my normal tunic and leggings and put the dress on. I wanted to wear it just once even if it's not on its intended day.

I spin a little as the wind picks up; my dressing caressing the wind as I throw my hands up dancing precariously close to the edge. I stop quickly as I notice the sun beginning to set. The sky turning shades of orange, pink and purple gave me back a small dose of happiness for just a moment.

I look down over the cliff and look at the waves crash into the face of the cliff. I look straight over the horizon, the ocean stretching farther than the eye can see.

Tears gather in my eyes as I mutter Hiccups name. How a man could turn a shield maiden into fragile glass and then break her just as easily. The moon began to peak out and the gently glow seemed like a long lost friend lending support.

"I don't know where we went wrong but I'm not sorry for all the times we've had. What I am sorry is for the future we won't have. God.." sobs began to rock my body.

"I am still so deeply in love with you that the idea of you with someone else is too much to bear. Hiccup…do you think that in the next life we can be together?"

I turn to the woods as if expecting him to be there. I plead my case before taking one step back so that my heels are an inch away from the edge.

I hear two distinct roars in the distance: Stormfly's and Toothless. I look to the trees and then to the sky over the treetops. Happy that I got to hear Stormfly one last time.

"Hiccup…I want you to know that I will always love you..a..nd.." pausing for a moment as her ears played tricks on her as the forest became deathly quiet, "..and though I am going farther then anywhere on your map I will always watch over you. That's all I had wanted to say."

I look to the moon, laughing lightly, "Can you deliver that message?"

I raise my arms up as If I can fly and take that step back. My body feels light and my hair whips upward towards Valhalla as I fall to the water; my eyes trained on the moon. Seconds feel like minutes until the cold water jolts my senses. The tumultuous waves and undercurrent drag me further down into its violent grasp. I see the moonlight break thought the surface of the water to my depth. I smile at the comforting light before closing my eyes and breathing in. Pain sends my body into spasms before my body starts to shut down and the rays of the moon become darker and darker until nothingness.

I never did see the disruption of the moonlit water when a form crashed in and swam down to where darkness cradles my form.

(Hiccups POV)

The moment I saw the hurt I had caused her I knew I couldn't go along with the arranged marriage my father had set up. I thought that if I could get Astrid to hate me that it would make it easier letting go and moving on. However, the broken smile she gave me shattered all my will to move on with something I had no desire to do. I rushed to my dad and told him I had another girl in my mind and nothing was going to stop me. After arguing back and forth he finally bent to my will. Looking for her was proving to be a difficult task that is until I found a distressed Stormfly at the cove.

"Hey Girl", she turned her body and growled viciously at me which caused Toothless to growl back. She quieted down after a minute and then produced distressed sounds.

"Stormfly, I'm sorry I upset Astrid. Can you take me to her so I can apologize." She perked up and flew up rapidly into the sky. I jumped onto Toothless and took off after her all the while she made crying sounds that started to inject fear into my body.

We landed and I rushed to the forests edge only to stop in the darkness as I gazed upon the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. There, by the cliff was Astrid looking to the moon in a beautiful ankle length white gown with beading along the neckline and hem of the skirt and sleeves. It hugged her upper body and flowed out around the waist. The wind lifted her dress a bit giving the appearance that she was floating. I paused at looking her over when I heard her voice speak softly.

"..and though I am going farther then anywhere on your map I will always watch over you. That's all I had wanted to say."

She looked to the moon, laughing lightly, "Can you deliver that message?"

My eyes widened as I watched her arms lift up and take a step back before she disappears from my vision. Shock hits me momentarily until what happened dawned on me. Astrid is attempting suicide! My Astrid!

I run to the edge just in time to see her slip beneath the surface. Fear overwhelms me.

"ASTRID!" I frantically look back and whistle. Toothless leaps out of the woods and runs in my direction. He doesn't stop as I jump onto his back and jump off the cliff's edge to dive into the ocean below. The water is ice cold but the numbness of my body won't stop me. Toothless dives deeper into the water when I see her. Her body is floating a few feet off of the ocean floor. Her golden hair framing her head like the rays of the sun. Time stops as I notice her mouth slightly open, her eyes shut and her body taking on a ashy hue.

Grabbing her, Toothless propels himself out of the water and back up to the top of the cliff. Carefully I lay her down and start performing CPR to get the water out her lungs. I keep at it. I refuse to give up as I failed her once and I won't do it ever again. Her lips that were the perfect shade of pink and so damn kissable are now cold and tinted a bluish gray.

"ASTRID! Please don't leave me! I never wanted to hurt you!" I plead with her in between trying to resuscitate her. Tears fall on her face as the fear I felt hits me even harder every second she doesn't respond to my efforts.

"GODDAMMIT! Astrid I love you! I've always loved you..co..me" My voice cracks"…come back to me" I press on her chest again and lean forward to press my lips to hers to give her precious oxygen. I lean back and the most beautiful sound send my eyes to her face. A cough. A cough which turned into a series of coughs as water came out of her mouth. After a moment or two she looked at me with those eyes I could get lost in.

She looks at me, though dazed. "Great…Not in Heaven but Hel…why most you torment me so?"

My arms reach out to her limp body and pull her close to me . Tears stream down my face as I came so close to losing the most important person in my life. I pull back and gaze into her eyes. I notice that she is slowly coming to the realization that she is indeed alive and not in Hel. She gasps and pushes me away. I gape at her and before I knew it anger hits me like a storm.

I grab her shoulders harshly, "What on Berk were you thinking!? How could you do something so stupid! Goddammit! I.." I stop when I hear her crying softly.

She's leaning against the boulder with her legs pulled close to her body and her hands on both sides of her arms. Her hair was plastered to her skin as her dress and in that moment I realized just how frail she looked and that I was the cause of this.

I reach out to touch her. She looks at me and breathes out, "Why?"

I look at her astonished, "What do you mean, why?"

"Why did you save me Hiccup? Why couldn't you just let me go?" Her eyes gave way to her soul and she began to cry uncontrollably. All I could think about was how stupid I was. I made my angel cry and not just a soft cry but a cry that reserved him a special seat in Hel.

Words failed me so I grabbed her and pulled her into a hug that melded her body flush against mine. She didn't resist as her cries faced the Heavens. I joined her and we both let out the pain and sadness. "Astrid..I love you so damn much! I lied about being in love with the girl from my arranged marriage. God..I.. I stupidly thought that if you hated me then it would make it more bearable but…I couldn't go through with it." I pull away so I can look at her beautiful face marred with sadness that I caused. "Forgive me…Forr..givee..me" I put my head to the ground, repeating the phrase over and over. So ashamed at what I caused and what I almost lost. That thought alone put the fear of God into me.

I still keep my head down. _'I was the worst..I.._ 'A cold finger pulls my chin gently up and I look at Astrid. I open my mouth to say more but the finger that rested on my chin moved to my lips.

"I'm Sorry Hiccup" I gaze at her dumbfounded. She smiles a smile that shows she forgives me, which I can't accept.

"Astrid. How can you apologize to me when I am to be blamed for everything! I.." She stops me again with her finger grazing my lips.

"I can forgive because I love you Hiccup. When you had told me that you had loved another, I felt as though I was ripped apart from the inside out. The reason being is you have become a part of me, so ingrained in my being that not having you left me empty. I felt that I had nothing…was nothing. Hiccup..you have thawed the ice encasing my heart and made me feel the warmth of the sun. Not having you in my life was not a life I deemed worth living. I forgive you because I want a lifetime with you filled with adventures and rides into the sunset. I want to make a life with you…do you want to make a life with me?" She looked at me with eyes determined to battle the sadness of earlier.

I take a step forward and grab her hand to pull it as her body follows into mine. Tilting her head, I kiss her hungrily. I put my heart into the kiss so she knows that I loved her then and forever onward. "I want this life with you and the next for all eternity. Make me the happiest man in the world and marry me Astrid."

She gasps and nods gently as a smile reaches across her face, "Yes Hiccup. I would love nothing else!" I spin her around as I continue to kiss her.

A life with Astrid is a life worth living.


End file.
